Tips for the New-Age Dictator

This post is specifically for those who are on the brink of overthrowing the premier/royal of a nation/state and taking over as the 'Dictator-At-Large' of said nation/state. But, I realize that the number of such people all over the world are limited, so I am also inclusive enough to state that this post is for people who are just interested in understanding the subtle nuances on being a successful dictator of a nation in the 21st century.

Drama unfolds in the Middle East as I pen these words. The region is perhaps undergoing its most volatile time in recent years. First it was Tunisia, where protests were sparked off against the incumbent government. Then it was Egypt, where things really took a serious turn for the worse for the Mubarak government and he had to flee the country before he could finish buying that vintage gramaphone player on ebay. Today's latest news is that riots have broken out in Bahrain, Yemen and even Libya (and not just over Gaddafi's weird costume choices) and the autocratic regimes or monarchies of these nations are under serious fire. This is very depressing time for a person who wants to take over as a dictator of a nation. He/She would think many times after seeing the failures of their idols (the dictators and monarchs) as they are on shaky ground against determined protestors and 'pro-democracy' oppositions galvanized through Facebook and Twitter. Fret not, I have come up with some tips to guard the interests of these budding dictators in a world which is clearly unjust. Here they are:

Internet Blackout: The Internet is the most disastrous thing for a successful dictatorship. The widespread use of the Information Superhighway is clearly the catalyst behind the rampant and irresponsible actions of these protestors who are intent on unleashing newfangled concepts such as 'Democracy' and 'Political Bargaining'. The first thing you should do as a dictator is to disband the concept of Internet in your country. The worst thing that a bad government can do is to reform itself and care for the people. Expose them to nothing. That way their heads will not be filled with garbage like 'Freedom', 'Elections' and other politically taboo terms. The biggest problem with the Mubarak government in Egypt was that it tried to reform itself by introducing Economic and Communication reform, providing broadband internet access to its people, and worse, providing access to sites like Facebook and Twitter. This can be suicidal to new-age Dictators. Not only can your people send friend requests to beautiful girls in foreign nations, but apparently they can also gather guys for a mass protest in your capital city. North Korea is the most successful example of this implementation. They do not have a broadband network. There is only a single Internet cafe in Pyongyang and Internet access in some upmarket hotels. This is supplemented by the fact that all North Korean Government websites are hosted outside North Korea. In fact the Korean Government even has official Facebook, Twitter and Youtube IDs where they post Anti-US and Anti-South Korean content. Ofcourse, the dictator needn't deprive himself /herself of the Internet. Kim Jong Il is said to love surfing the net and has a private link that he accesses via China. In fact, ensuring that computer illiteracy is rampant is the best way to restrict Internet Access. Be sure to appoint Mulayam Singh Yadav as your Information Technology Minister.

Stay away from the US: An important aspect of being a successful dictator is to stay as far away as possible from the United States of America. Not just that, make sure that your people dont even know what America is. The Hallmark of a successful dictator is to appear and act completely against the political skullduggery of the US. They are seen as the 'land of sugar and honey' and people think of being like them when they see anything belonging to the US. Record shows that any successful dictator, Castro, Kim Jong Il have all been fundamentally opposed to the US government at all times. Friendly links with the US results in a openmindedness to the government, which leads to this unnecessary need for reform. Thereby leading to freedom of thought. In fact, censorship on everything is an absolute must. TV broadcasts, Mobile phones and Internet should be banned or at the very least censored extensively. Believe me, 'American Idol' might just come to bite you in your autocratic rear

Random acts of Kindness: Being a citizen of a successful dictatorship is like being afflicted with Stockholm Syndrome. When a kidnapper kidnaps the victim, inflicts acts of violence and torture, inducing trauma and after a point, the very kidnapper performs random acts of kindness on the victim, the victim starts to develop positive feelings towards the kidnapper and is easier to control/manipulate. This habit should be cultivated by the modern dictator. Violence, Torture and Censorship should all have their space in the sun in your regime. But you should not reach a point where you tire your people with atrocities. Initiatives like lower cost of healthcare and better road transport systems would make sure that your image is rosy in the eyes of your delusional nation. Hey, Fidel Castro has done it. You should be able to do it too!

With these tips, I hope you will be able to forge a strong a economically rewarding dictatorship. May the force be with you!

The Neo-Narcissist's new toy

"For the most part people are not curious except about themselves." - John Steinbeck

Narcissism: Definition - "excessive interest in oneself and one's physical appearance."

I would safely declare that the decade leading upto 2011 as the "Decade of the Narcissist." Througout history, people have been narcissistic and experienced narcissism in their own personal ways. From Queen Cleopatra to Marlon Brando to Barack Obama, history is replete with fascinating stories of famous narcissists. However, I believe that the first 10 years of the 21st century put individual narcissism in the spotlight. It has shown us that all of us, famous or otherwise have a narcissistic streak, some more than others, some more distinguishable than others. However, there are several people who are yet to unleash their narcissism upon this planet. This article is for them. Through this, I hope to help some of those people who would like to share their greatest feelings of self-idolization to cope with the rising pressure imposed by their fellow 21st Century human beings.

Facebook is one of the greatest tools that a narcissist can have. It is a social network that allows one to make friends with his/her existing friends or mild acquaintances (online) or make new friends online. It is perhaps the greatest invention of the 21st century for the narcissistic human being. People on facebook allow their feelings to run amok. For instance, a post by a friend of mine about how he was "wasted and lying in a pile of his own/or somebody else's (he doesnt know) puke with a concatenated line saying "Best Night ever!" received 33 "likes" and 20 friends commenting on how his life was so fulfilling (even if it was in somebody else's excrement).

People can voice their most insignificant thoughts on facebook and be instantly recognized and hailed by their circle of friends. A simple thought from you like "I love the rain" might have several people agreeing with you and appreciating your 'love for nature and everything beautiful' (yes, that happens). Not only thoughts, but did I also mention that you can share pictures and videos. So, that picture of you doing a "V" sign with your hands next to a hooker from Bangkok is a photo that is sure to get you a lot 'o' love with the ladies ;)

If you are a gorgeous woman looking to flex your narcissistic muscles (not that you dont already), you will love facebook. There are desperate men (some seniors as well) who will comment on how 'interesting they found your profile' and whether you would like to 'mk frndshp wth thm' (even without the vowels).

Or you could even be a 'Thought Leader'. You could post clever links and interesting articles on facebook and be hailed as a 'cut-above' your set of intellectually deficient friends. You can "like" a few key pages like "Salman Rushdie" or "Arundhati Roy's fight for the Narmada Valley" and be seen as an erudite activist-in-the-making. If you are part of some social causes, then you have hit the jackpot, because you are seen as an left-wing intellectual and could get you virtually laid (yes, virtually).

Then there are the philosophers. These are the people who post the most rehashed philosophical thoughts and gain the admiration of their circle of friends who consistently believe that 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' is a holy scripture. Their consistent stream of quotes like "PRAYER is not an attempt to change GOD's mind, but an attempt to let GOD change our minds" shows us that "its not important to be original but to appear original at all times."

If you are looking to expand on your sense of concsiousness and self-worth, Facebook is the place for you. Dont fear that you will be chastised for your inadequacies or misgivings. You are guaranteed to not be the worst person out there....

Disclaimer: The author has performed all of the above and is yet to find his narcissistic sweetspot. He would like to place on record that he is willing to experiment with more social networking tools where he can show that he is superior to all of you.