It is that time of the year, where I am constantly flooded with conference calls for various projects/important topics of discussion. As you would probably be aware, that conference calls are called "con-calls" in short. An apt name, as these calls are nothing short of a major con job. Con-calls, in my opinion are the ultimate corporate time-wasting tactic. Yesterday, I was sitting through a rather harrowing con-call involving several parties (whose names I cannot mention, and frankly dont care to) about a project which needed absolute and immediate attention, as its failure would result in major revenue loss for the company in question (cant mention, dont care to). Usually, I am the man who puts his phone on mute as some of the other speakers hammer away at the topic of discussion(refer to the Snoozers down below), at the end of which, on most occasions, no clarity is achieved. I always ensure that I carefully interject a question or a comment somewhere in between my meal and my sleep to ensure that my presence is felt, and my next bonus will be adequately padded for my "insightful" comments. Yesterday's call was quite different. I was the focal point and questions were being directed at me by all members of the "invisible brotherhood". As I rambled away deep into the night, I couldnt help but stereotype some of the members involved in the call. These are some of my "deep observations" on these characters:
1) The Not-So-Moderator: The Not-So-Moderator is the man leading the call, or the proverbial moderator. He/She is a person who is directly responsible for the project being discussed, but ironically having the least amount of knowledge about the very same. This person is usually the loudest and the most boring, and turns the meaning of the word "moderator" on its head. He is usually the man (or woman) with the smallest phallus, which has artificially been inflated with the use of words like "timeline", "closure", "convergence" and the like. You will frequently see this creature deliver a killer punch by saying, "I dont see why this has to take so long. It seems extremely simple", only to find that the activity in question is a huge, long-term task. Management usually rewards such people the most.
2) The One-Quote Inspirer: This is a character who is a man/woman of great dreams of ambition. This person aspires to be the Not-so-moderator, like anything. The One-quote-inspirer utters a statement of absolute positivity like, "dont worry Not-so-moderator, we are all with you on this", for which he/she is lauded no end. This person usually goes to sleep after the comment, because he/she has no more to add, and still felt his/her presence felt, as the voice of positivity in the sea of naysayers.
3) The Non-Committal KillJoy: Although, this person seems like a bore, he/she is a person who is incredibly interesting in an otherwise dull call. This person is usually the executive responsible for seeing the project to completion, failing which he/she would be disembowelled and fed to the pigs, to put it delicately. This person is picked on the most, because of his (it is usually always a man) Frankenstein-like power of speech (but not of conversation) and because he is not able to schmooze with the big boys. The characteristic trademark of this person is to ensure that no timelines for completion are given, ever. Timelines suggested by others are promptly shot down, because of reasons best known to him and some aliens in Jupiter. The reasons are usually on the lines of "approvals not available", "vendor not supporting", "several stakeholders are involved", etc. This person usually doesnt get busy with his spouse, because same non-committal attitude permeates into his personal life. The reasons given by this person are usually hilarious and he usually incurs the wrath of the Not-so-moderator immediately after the call.
5) The Minute Maid: This is the guy (and it is always a guy, as girls never take such lowly jobs) who prepares the minutes of the meeting. He doesnt understand a word, but he manages to just get his keyboard rolling around. His "minutes" are usually vague and more like "hours" or sometimes even "days", "months" or "years", in line with the spirit and outcome of the con-call in progress.
4) The Bad-Ass: The bad-ass is one who rarely opens his/her mouth, but whenever that mouth opens, it showers generously, negative energy and toxic waste on the Non-committal killjoy and sometimes, even the Not-so-moderator. The Bad-Ass is usually a senior (usually from another department) and he/she sees the participants like insignificant insects who will be crushed soon. He/She would retire to bed in a really comfortable apartment with mirrors everywhere, just in case. He/She usually nevers needs to open his/her mouth, the cold, malevolent stare can traverse phone lines and be in every other participant's face, except for...
5) The Snoozers: The snoozers are either top management or people who would quit in the next few months and set up a lucrative management consulting practice, where they would be paid way better for telling corporate clients to "involve more stakeholders in key meetings" and to bring in the concept of "synergy in diversity", a word which most management consultants use. The top management, on the other hand is never questioned. They are like the ears which nothing needs to fall upon. They usually put their phones on mute and have their secretaries give them a "personal conference" on the mahogany office table. They have lived past this phase of attending worthless con-calls and have arrived and exemplify the words of Eddy Temple (from the movie Layer Cake): "You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like."
I, for one, am happy being a snoozer. What character are you?
4 comments:
Thanks Raghu, appreciate it.
Ha..Ha..ha.. I just could not stop laughing Abhay, This is hilarious.. needless to mention why.. and I fully Agree with you...
You missed out a very interesting Character, Abhay. They are the "Confused Charters", I also call them "The Bart-Head Simpsons" who have no clue why they are invited to the Con Call. Have no clue on the topic, no powers to say anything, but still are part of the Call. They usually sit with the "The snoozers" and pretend as if they are following every word. Suddenly someone gets dropped off the call... The Snoozer shouts.... "Simpson.... .Call him and bridge him back", And He does it so modestly, nobody even gets to know his presence,and that is how he is told to do. Now he realises why the Charters are invited, to makes them 'glorified assholes', confused, clueless...
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